By Oreva Godwin
What Is surrogacy?
Surrogacy also known as surrogate, or gestational carrier, is a woman who carries and delivers a child for a couple or individual. Surrogate mothers are impregnated through the aid of invitro fertilization (IVF).
When surrogacy Is needed
Surrogacy is important, because it allows people who may not otherwise be able to have children of their own to become parents, with their own DNA, unlike adoption, where the child does not have same DNA with the couple.
Medical challenges
Women who cannot conceive or are considered infertile find surrogacy as a viable option. The woman must be capable of producing eggs, even though she may have fertility issues or difficulty in carrying a child to full term.
People who have no life partner, but wish to have a child also find surrogacy attractive. Yes, single people, who are not interested in having a partner can opt for surrogacy.
Similarly, members of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Community and same sex couples stand at an advantage to have kids of their own through surrogacy. This is mainly a common phenomenon in other climes, but also gradually creeping in as a practice in Africa.
But, more importantly, people who have experienced repeated and failed IVF now find succour in surrogacy. Indeed, many marriages have been saved by helping couples carry their child to full term.
Of course, women with high risk of losing their lives if they get pregnant opt for surrogacy. This is often as a result of one medical condition or the other.
How does a mother connect to a child she did not give birth to?
Talk to the baby. When you spend time around the surrogate mom, talk to your child, like the baby is inside of you; that the baby is your blood and the carrier of your DNA; a huge part of you. Let your child hear your voice. Research has shown that once the surrogate mother gives birth, the best one can do is for the real mom to lay on the bed the surrogate mom gave birth on and hold the baby and try to connect with the child. Research also proves that, that act alone makes the mom feel like she gave birth to the child. Connecting with the child will take time, but with time, the motherly instinct, the love and connection will kick in. Be patient. It’s a process .
Wrong perception about surrogacy
Most people consider payment to the surrogate mother as bizarre and contrary to societal norms. People with religious beliefs or moral norms judge surrogate mothers as being greedy and selfish. They are also regarded as being bad moms for selling their children. On the other hand, some are praised for helping childless couples. For some writers however, surrogacy is a form of slavery in which the surrogate is exploited through the excitement of money. But feminists believe that surrogacy is one of the many reproductive choices women should be free to make. Whatever the case may be, it’s your body, your life and your choice.
Is surrogacy expensive?
Yes. Surrogacy is very expensive. The additional cost for embryo transfer process makes it significantly expensive and the payment to the surrogate mom is also huge. It’s a delight to every parent to pass on their DNA, personality and brains to their child. Having a child that looks like you is the greatest joy and surrogacy got you covered absolutely.
Surrogacy is a good choice for mothers struggling with medical issues. Although lots of mothers without medical issues still choose it as an option, because of the fear of going through labour pains, weight gain and the risk of losing their physical figure. But whatever the case maybe, people should be allowed to make their own choices, without being judged, condemned or called names. Children are a blessing, irrespective of how they come about.
What is adoption?
Adoption is a process of taking a child into your family and raising them as your own. They share no DNA with you, unlike surrogacy. It is a way to provide a loving home for children who need one.
Why people adopt?
Some people adopt because of infertility, some cannot have their own children biologically. So, they adopt. Some people do not want to pass on genetic disorder or diseases and opt for adoption instead. Single parents who want to start a family as well as same sex couples choose adoption, while other people adopt, because they want to increase the number of their family.
Yet, for some people adoption becomes desirable because they love children and are compassionate towards giving homeless children a brighter future. This is quite different from running an orphanage home.
Whatever the case may be or reason maybe, adoption is an old option for couples to aid them becoming a parent. Again, it is up to the couples or the person intending to adopt to make the choice.
Dilemma of adopted children
It is rather sad that adopted children feel unloved in their new homes. Why adopt, when you are not willing to accept and love them?
Ufuoma has been childless for six years. She and her husband considered adoption, but within a year of adopting Maro into their home, she conceived and had her own child. She and her husband, Jerry, suddenly started treating Maro as an orphan and showed complete love only to their biological child.
These are part of the issues most adopted children stand to face. Also the wrong narrative that adopted children are illegitimate children and cannot inherit landed properties and assets, have no voice in the family remain condemnable.
The truth is that adopted children are humans and should be treated with respect. To reduce them to second class citizens or differentiate from the adopted to the biological child is a painful practice that needs to be stopped.
African perception about adoption
Africans naturally are against adoption. Though civilisation has tried to enlighten us, a typical African man will boldly say that an adopted child is not fit for inheritance. African peer groups in communities will not accept an adopted child in their meetings, because they question their state of origin and stand on the ground that the adopted child is not a true member of the community . Once you don’t know your biological parents, you are considered an outcast.
Risks of abuse
Adopted children are at a higher risk of being sexually abused by their guardians. Some sick parents fail to accept adopted kids as their own once they come of age. To them it is not incest when the kids are not your biological children. Some adopted children are beaten, malnourished and enslaved, which is saddening.
One can still wait on God and still go ahead and adopt a child. We all need children to take care of us at our old age and this is a good option at zero cost.
Don’t waste years waiting for a miracle, when you can be a parent to children of your choosing.
When you see old, childless people struggling to take care of themselves at old age, it can be heartbreaking sometimes. This would have been avoided if they adopted a child when they were young.
It is not the end of the world if you adopt. The scripture says “count it all joy”. Parenthood is not just by blood, but by love. Love comes natural when you open your heart to love. First of all love yourself, accept your reality, and free your mind, so you can be the best parent to your adopted children.
Let’s show love to our adopted children and not frown at taking adoption as an option. The fear of adopting a bad child, is the same fear and risk of giving birth to your doom/ death. Yet we take the risk of procreating irrespective of the stories we hear and see of other people giving birth to monsters. So why digest a negative story about adoption? We can do better.
